What I want from life

What do I want from this life? What do I want for myself?

Option A. Happiness!
As I think about it now from where I write, I think its too plain and simple, and to always be happy would be monotonus and tiring. Reader, you would think I'm crazy, but if you haven't lived rough and hard, happiness wouldn't hold a meaning anyways. Believe me, easy happiness is cunning and shrewd, so its better to always watch your back.

Option B. Money?
Of course. But this is not the only thing I want in life, and certainly its not something that anyone should yearn for either. Years back, I said I want to be rich and famous (though I still want), and that's all. What after being rich? I can't be spending all the money on myself. And I don't want to act like a total douche by bragging about this. {I still don't know and I'm going to re-consider it}

Option C. Satisfaction?
Definitely not! I don't want to be content for the rest of my life and do nothing (;exciting or new). Because being satisfied means there is nothing more in life you ask for and you accept everything that happens. Truly ruled out of the list!

Option D. To be restless?
No! I don't always want to be hyper, or anxious, or agitated, or always on the go. I see myself as a soul, and sometimes I want to stop and admire things around. I want to compliment them, and say, "Hi! This is me. I am a soul and I am Living." That's what I want- I want to live! I want to enjoy. I want to sing, and dance. I want to work. I want to walk on the fresh dewed grass, and even make shapes in the clouds. I want to travel. Write. LOVE. Meet new people. Laugh. Cry. Be curious. Repulsive. And wild...and Live life!
What do you want from your life people?

-a

Empty Spaces, Love and Spiritualism

I like it when people question me on my work, I start to think from their perspective too then. Recently, I was talking to this stranger and he asked me what I meant by empty spaces, love and wanted my opinion on Spiritualism. This one is for you, Nawaz.

Empty spaces are what the minutest thing we know is made up of. If you take away everything that is physical (matter/energy), you are left with nothing (no thing). 'Nothing' is completely empty space, absolute cold, silence and darkness. 'Nothing' is infinite, eternal and indestructible. It does not move; it does not have to. It is already everywhere. The universe is more than 99.999% empty space, including our own bodies. And like they say, the whole population on this planet can be summed to an ice cube if it weren't for empty spaces. (Source: http://www.truthcontest.com/entries/the-present-universal-truth/nature-of-nothing.html) Empty spaces are everywhere, but here we are talking about life. (I am 18, by the way) Empty spaces are those in your life that need to filled by Experiences, it is important. I know how I mentioned previously that we need to forget our personal history, because that way we unburden ourselves, but empty spaces of life need to be utilized. Now here again I am contradiciting myself, because it's mentioned above that empty spaces are not really empty, but always filled. But do we know it? Even when I am writing this, there are empty spaces, pause after every sentence (both literally and figuratively), there is a thought that is evolving through empty spaces in my mind (matter fact, every one's mind), and there are empty intervals of time, like when you are waiting in a que. What I meant when I wrote the previous article was that these empty spaces need to be filled, with new adventures every day, and forgotten and then again filled by something unique that you never dared to try before.

Love is all there is. Love, is something that gives our life a direction. But what is it? Is it a person, a car? Is it a sport, or an ice cream flavour? When I started researching about love some years before(because my hormones were acting crazy), I noticed how people always referred to it as maddness, as pain and emptiness. But that is not love. Rumi said, "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." I have not found a single reason for people in love to be unhappy, shouldn't they see their beloved as if they were the only one? Why do we hestitate? Because we are insecure. Why are we insecure? Because we aren't trusting ourselves and our beloved. Why aren't we trusting? Because we are not loving. Why aren't we loving? Because for loving someone else, one must love him/herself and be content.

Spiritualism and religion are two different things. Religion like we know is a guideline, a rule book of 'Do's and 'Dont's. Religion, accordings to me, was what was framed by our ansesters, years ago, keeping in mind their Geographical conditions. For example, Hindus (the people that belonged to India before the Mughal invasion) are basically vegetarians because the country had a good vegitation in the past and there was no need of animal hunting. There is this thing my father always says, "No religion is perfect yet every religion is perfect itself." What he means is that religion (not religion-fanatasism) is all that a person needs to levitate himself, but once he's deep within, he is no longer religious but spiritual, because every road leads you to the One. Rumi said:
I Belong to the soul of the Beloved
One I seek
One I know
One I see
One I call.
Spiritualism is an ecstasy, a state where there is no right and no wrong, where what you do is a step forward. It is a path where you are aware, conscious, because you finally know your motive.

The Empty Spaces, Personal History and Love

I do not know what I am writing about but I am because this is the way I discover, and re-doscover myself. I am growing because of what I am reading, also reading my own work. I write things I have to clue about, and when I do, my mind gets flooded by thoughts I have never even thought till this point, and that often do not seem like are my own. Then I re-read what I have written, and I stare the page for moments because I don't believe that its my creation-read what I have written, and I stare the page for moments because I cannot believe that its my creation.

We all must have read about empty spaces, because that's what life is made of, because in the absence of empty spaces our life would be vulnerable, our mind would be unable to cope and our body would give up out of stress. We know empty space complete us, but we have to fill it too. It is necessary, because otherwise we will be depressed, will feel useless, and waste. We all must be
knowing the concept of forgetting our personal history, of being free of our past and being born every day. Because at a time, the burden of carrying the personal history will be too much to bare and we will feel broke. We are so much caught up in the past that we often fear it will be repeated again in the future, and fail to
live in the present. 

We all must have read about love, because that's what life is about as well (I am not talking about Mills & Boons, or cheesy Indian movies with happy endings). But all of us treat love as a source of suffering, as a source of maddness, of pain. Well, that's not love, that's insecurity, possessiveness, that's obssession. In Paulo coelho's, The Zahir, I came across a phrase that said, "Love is an untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to control it, it imprisons us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused." (I am so much inspired by him) So why is it then, sometimes we fill empty spaces too much and sometimes not even at all? Why is it that the darkest bits of our personal history are carried forward? Why is it that we are afraid to do a thing because it didn't have an expected result in past?
Why is it when love should be a nice, pleasant feeling, it makes us cold and uneasy? Why is it thay when we should be loving without conditions and shouldn't expect our love to be reciprocated, we give into obssession and try to possess the other person?

We all say we are happy, but are we? I try to tell this is the way of life (not force anything on anyone), and at times I feel frustrated because of things I should not even consider on the first place. We say we are living, are we? I feel so pretencious myself, I feel I am living for others at times and it is the worst feeling. We say we are having all we need, are we? No. We say life is being generous and we are satisfied, are we? Well, I am not.

-a

That God...

I have always found the concept of God very intriguing (NOTE: The concept of God, not religion). From the beginning and till today its always the God, Friend, or the Beloved (whatever soothes) that I have given my attention. This whole idea ofsomeone being there, some kind of mystical source of energy governing and ruling over people and the entire world, is just fascinating. I believe that this God of ours or this soul of theUniverse is a huge ball of glowing light that's stretched till eternity. I know a lot of people draw a mental image of idols when referring to God but to me, this balls comes into life. It's always glowing. Always radiating bright white light in the dark background. Always lighting ME. The famous 13th century sufi saint Rumi, or Jalaluddin Rumi said:
I tried to find Him on the Christian cross, but He was not there;
I went to the temple of the Hindus and to the old pagodas,
but I could not find a trace of Him anywhere…
I searced on the mountains and in the valleys but neither in the
heights nor in the depths was I able to find Him.
I went to the Ka’bah in Mecca, but He was not there either…
I questioned the scholars and philosophers but He was beyond their
understanding…
Then I looked into my heart and it was there where
He dwelled that I saw Him,
He was nowhere else to be found.

(Isn't it beautiful?)

Now, the question arises, how can I believe in HIM when I haven't even seen or sensed HIM?
-Don't. Just don't force yourself. There are moments when you'll feel that its not you who's doing this particular Action; there are times when you'll do something that's beyond your natural reflex; there are instances when people do things they didn't mean to or were thinking but that would change the situation entirely. But then you do, or rather your body does. That's the time your 'soul' takes over, and souls feed on the energy of the Beloved. Know this time, you're being guided by your God.

Another question that would come to your mind would be, Apoorva did you have a chillum next to you smoking bong when you wrote this?
-Erm, no. I just get these answers when I want them (Yes, I am human) I spend a lot of time by myself, and that time i intospect. I have this little voice inside me (everyone has it) who is very wise, smart, intelligent and calm. And supporting too. I remember one night when I was crying and thinking about this big issue that I was in, this voice asked me to shut up (quietly and politely) and stop whining about the situation. It just said don't whine about it. Which was wise, because crying was taking me no where.
Suggestion: Try seeking that voice by talking to yourself. Its not abnormal, and very helpful. (No one knows you better that you yourself.)

Next you would think, what after finding my God? What's the
next step?
-That’s not upto me to decide. It's you. Everyone seeks something different, everyone has some other purpose. Mine is to travel, and I don't know what is yours...so how can I tell you what to do! It's always you and your personal decisions. BELIEVE in your God, believe that he'll never do anything wrong that can possibly damage your soul. When he puts you in a situation, he wants you to
be stronger.

How do I know? I don't. I just Believe.

-a

Love Yourself

We are never forced to live alone; we choose it as an option on our own. We decide we'll disconnect ourselves from everyone and everything, from the one to whom we associate our negative thoughts. We bleed. Silently. Day by day. We weep. Struggle to feel better. Wake up each morning with an empty feeling. Our tears meaninglessly fall. We dry out. Until when we realize that we are delibrately keeping ourselves deprived. Until we gain back our senses and finally get a grip on ourselves, on who we are. Until when we decide to stop the fight- the battle between what we want to be right and what we assume is wrong. And then, from that point onwards, we open our eyes. We see. We breathe. We live.

I had gone in a state of depression in November, the whole of December and January in 2012, until few months back that I decided I should be writing all over again from this new perspective. I believed in lies for a long time, those lies that my mind created for itself. I had countless insecurities, I still have, but I've only just started to get rid of them. A lot of people say they would love to be like me, I inspire them, and that they would love to switch their lives with me (and my teacher always said I suck at spellings and stuff), then there are those who find me a real time bummer. Well, those who want to be like me- seriously people, you have no idea what you're asking for. Those who hate me or are
always find flaws- I have really stopped caring. I've just started loving myself, and no one can change that .
Thanks for reading this, and keeping up with me.

- a

What I think about Music

I don't know how to write this (I honestly have no clue) but
because I promised myself I would, so here is this note. Now, I made a list of things I want to write about;
Spiritualism. I am always writing about it
Soda. Soda? I don't even like soda
Fruit juice. Seriously?
FBI. I don't even know why I considered that
Comediens. I should think about it later. Maybe next year.
Maybe...I don't know
Vegans. Oh, I am a vegan, but no!
Music. I can write about that. (By the way, here's the link to my
youtube channel www.youtube.com/channel/UCdFZ-
FT3mk9KYNCZWeLRmVA )
Friends. Ugh, later!
Chocolate. That happens to be my favorite subject, but since I
haven't moved on from snikers, dairy milk and twix, so later!
Cowboys. Stop it already!

Music. I know music. I think I know music. But, so does everyone
else. I don't know my genre (frankly speaking), so you must be
thinking it's pretty stupid of me to write about this or maybe
thinking of suggesting me some song. But hey, music is not always
a song or genre. My parents say I was humming show tunes when I
was 2 (if that's even possible), and I was dancing to my own tune
(Now? I'm a shy pig) I think music is so much more than the rote
learning of lyrics, is beyond what we have as a fixed defination in
our head. I know a friend telling me that your music is when you
get goosebumps listening to it. Right. And wrong, at the same
time. I don't think we choose our music, I think that the music
chooses us. Is this getting weird? I can imagine people making a
face to this. Re-read it, please.
Music hits you, it does. It has always hit me. It's not always the
singer, it's not always the tune (though they are the part of the
process). It is the empty space that gives you time to think, to
understand what you have never thought of before. Its that time
when you absorb those empty space in yourself, and what you do
next is what you shouldn't be doing. You impatiently wait for the
words. Why are you waiting for words? I'll tell you why, because
you are trying to justify yourself, because it is a harmonious way
to justify yourself. I know this might be confusing, even hard to
believe, but that's as far as I have understood. Music is addiction
too, and you know why? Because of words. How sad is that! Empty
space makes life, empty space makes you and your music. You
learn. You apply. You grow. But you forget. What music is doing is
trying to soothe you, trying to chill that nerve of yours, trying to
make you understand more when you are understanding nothing at
all. You still don't understand because you're stuck to those
addictive words, because you are surrendering yourself to the
charm of the musician. But one day, hopefully soon, you'll rise
above it, and you will understand. Then you'll listen even closer,
and you'll find music every where. You'll be amazed by listening to
the music of the wind, the fluttering wings of a beetle, of a bee's
humms, and even of the thunder in the clouds. One day, even I
will understand it all too good to never forget it.

-a